I'm gonna have a badass scar
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
