now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
