the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
