I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
