a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
