the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She's not a foreskin expert like you
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
