i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
