I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I did not marry a roomba.
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