the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
