Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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