Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
