My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
