Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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