Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
