Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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