We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
