i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
