Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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