If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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