I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
