I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
