Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
