that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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