You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
