Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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