omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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