Swine flu. Run for my life!
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
