My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
My feet surprised me
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