Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
