He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
That was an excessively violent trivia night
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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