How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
