I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
