then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
