And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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