ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
