1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
