We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
