dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
