i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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