You can't special order awesome
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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