Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
