you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
