i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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