He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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