I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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