I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
