My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
