You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
