i think i have two assholes
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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