Don't make out with my wife yet
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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